Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
