I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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