If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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