A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
