I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
