its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We have started to decorate penises.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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