It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
