I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
