Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
