my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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