Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
