What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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