The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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