I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
