Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
