Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
