I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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