Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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