Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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