I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
