My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
