Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
