Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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