Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
