JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I think people are normalizing furries
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
