there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
