fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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