no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
