Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
