My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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