Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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