i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
