I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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