bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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