how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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