his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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