woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
