she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
