The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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