All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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