No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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