No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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