dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
