i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
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