We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
