I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
