I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
