it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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