im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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