you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
