Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
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