Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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