Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My penis needs a shock collar
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
